Sara is one of the loudest people I’ve ever met. Maybe it was this trait that first drew me to her back in our school days. After all, if you heard a loud noise in the background you’d want to see where it was coming from too. Sara is an unapologetic woman who loves ferociously and is genuinely conscious of how her words impact people around her. Sara and I ended up attending the first year of Uni together, which is where our discussion begins.
I started off studying at The University of Winchester but I was having a hard time adjusting which I put down to normal Uni stress. However, further into the year I experienced several micro aggressions and general prejudiced opinions. On my course we talked about criminal justice which is often related to race and race relations. I remember we were discussing the Paris terror attacks, and I said how we don’t view terror attacks in the west the same way we do anywhere else. Someone in the lecture said “How dare you say that”, and other people jumped in. I remember the lecturer didn’t step in or consider that I was out-numbered. The only person who came to my defence was a black girl. It made me feel anxious going to lectures and discussing anything.
It can be daunting enough to speak up in class, let alone when you’re in an environment where you feel unwelcome. Is this what prompted you to leave?
The decision came after another incident when I was single-handedly picked on during a seminar. We were watching a document on white supremacy in the UK and she pointed at me and said “You as a Muslin and the only brown person” (not that she even knew whether I was Muslim or not) “you need to talk about why you think white supremacists hate you.”
Wow and you were just trying to take notes!
Exactly! There were one or two black people in the class and they challenged her and asked why she directs this only at me. After that and several isolated micro-aggressions I decided to leave. I felt like the other for too long within education. So that night I went home and told my mum “I’m not staying here.” I ended up spending my final two years at Manchester Metropolitan. It was a better fit for me, there were more opportunities and I love the city.
University can come as a big shift to our lives both during and after, affecting us mentally, spiritually and physically. How did this experience impact you in those areas?
There’s no one way to describe it or say this is what happens. It can’t be whittled down to just blues. I went down a path where I just forgot to live in the present, for myself. It’s important to have a support system. If I didn’t have my family and friends, I wouldn’t have got through it. There was talk of me being a failure, of being inadequate in some way so there needs to be less shame in what post- University depression and life is by having open conversations with the people around you on how to combat that feeling.
Social media is a powerful tool. How do you feel it has impacted your mental health and confidence?
I used to see these people on social media and think “they’re doing amazing”, then I’d look at me struggling to get a job. I use social media as a tool to stay caught up on my friends and family now, but inevitably you might compare yourself to other people. If you find yourself in that position, you should step back and look for some perspective rather than falling further into the trap of comparison, gradually becoming a bitter pessimistic person.
It’s not a good look, it’s not cute.
It’s not cute AT ALL.
Social media has the power to make you feel apart of the community as much as it has the power to make you feel isolated. Do you feel that isolation is something you’ve experienced?
During Uni I didn’t feel isolated because I was home frequently and I had a good support system. I had down days and pangs of those feelings. When I came home I definitely felt it more. I know I had people around me in the same situation, but I felt entirely on my own I don’t even know where the feeling came from. I was just confused and lonely.
How did you move past that?
I threw myself into work. I was doing 3 jobs at once. Working for a magazine, a football club, and a part-time job at my local supermarket because the other two were unpaid but I needed experience. I tried to figure out what I wanted to do, instead of pretending something will fall into my lap. Whilst working I found out about English teaching in different countries, so I looked into it further and ended up doing that which was an experience. It’s weird when you have all these anxieties surrounding your life that aren’t even anything specific, because you’re just drifting and then one day your life starts to feel a bit better.
Was this after the English teaching?
No this was before. I knew from them on that I don’t need to be as hard on myself as I have been. Nothing specific happened, I just went through a quiet process of loving myself more. That was a pivotal moment. After Korea I had the same experience but more intense, I started to realise things.
Like Kylie Jenner said ‘A yEaR oF rEaLiSiNg StUfF”. I mean, it was year later than that famous quote but same thing.
Honestly so poetic. I remember the exact moment I said to myself “I should let life takes it’s course rather than trying to find a path for everything.” I don’t know if that happens for everyone.
You took a gap year and went abroad! How was that experience?
I kinda took one. I’m starting work next month as a trainee journalist which is something I really want to do, but I took a year out and ended up going to Korea. However, it got cut short because it was difficult to cope due to situations that arose out there, the main one being that the director didn’t like me because I’m Pakistani, that was a reason I came home.
Well what a racist prick. It must have been very difficult being away from home during that period. But look at you, you mentioned you have a new job coming up, so many congrats! Mocktails are pending. What was the process of applying for roles like for you?
The thing is with journalism you need to have your niche and know what area you want to contribute towards. So I went and worked for a magazine and football club to get different experiences as I was applying for sports jobs. But, when you’re applying for things half-heartedly you probably won’t get it, and at the end of the day we’re in competition with all these other people. So don’t be disheartened, it wasn’t worth your time. If there was a job I didn’t care about it was okay, but for the ones I loved that I got rejected from hurt a lot. I feel like I got to a point where I just gave up hope.
It’s a really exhausting process, leaving Uni to desperately finding a job. Looking back at your experiences when you felt like the ‘other’ did you feel you had a comfortable space to rest and exist wholeheartedly in?
I mean I definitely needed one.
Needed but didn’t get? But, let’s say you were head of the Safe Space Society, what would it be for you?
It was more needed in Winchester; it was a very homogenous space. For me a safe space is being around women which is who I feel safest around, women of colour namely, having fun, gossiping and talking about life. Just having people acknowledge your experiences. If I had that in Winchester, then I probably would have stayed.
True, plus you can have more than one safe space it doesn’t have to be exclusively one thing. You can require different needs depending on your situation, emotions or even your religion.
As a Muslim, how did you find practising your faith at University.
I don’t like the whole thing of people talking about moderate Muslims etc. I’m just Muslim. I fast, I pray. Uni life is mainly about one thing, clubbing and drinking. I don’t drink which I made clear to everyone and all you get is people saying “Why don’t you drink?”, “Are you sure you don’t want a drink?”, “Have you tried it though?” It’s rude because if you’re religious you shouldn’t have to justify it, or what if someone’s an alcoholic, you just never know, there’s so many reason.
Right! It’s just their choice and there doesn’t need to be a reason, just respect it.
Practising faith wasn’t difficult. If I went to go and pray in my room I didn’t tell anyone because there’s a bit of stigma around it. But I practise it on a daily basis through my actions, after all my relationship with God is between the two of us. I don’t judge anyone else and their choices so I expect them not to judge me.
Did you meet many other Muslims whilst you were at Uni?
Yea I met quite a few, but it’s so weird. In Manchester where there was a bigger mix of ethnicities, and culturally you will find differences between the north and the south when it comes to Asian communities. They think differently and the way they’ve been brought up is different to myself, so I couldn’t relate to them either, they’re a lot stricter.
Do you feel like your University experience strengthen your relationship at all?
My faith has always been something important to me. So for me prayer is a way to cope with difficult things, in Islam we say a Duha which is asking God for something. For me whether I was at Uni or not it has strengthened, at times it falters. You go through difficult times and want to reject everything from love to trust. But it’s still important to me, it wouldn’t have changed anything.
Did your religion ever feel like an inconvenience to you?
Yeah 100%, I feel like especially if I didn’t drink people would give me a weird look or think I don’t want to have fun. If I’m being honest I hate clubs anyway and being around drunk men is not my favourite pastime. But at the same time when people ask for dietary requirements whether it's at Uni, work or a school trip, my mum would always put vegetarian or halal. But at Winchester I did ask “Do you do halal food?” and they replied “What’s that?”
From catering?
Yep the student union cafeteria.
If someone's working in catering they need need to know different dietary requirements. Come one people, we learnt this in year 7.
I tried to explain but ended up just asking for vegetarian. Now I don’t feel awkward about asking for halal meat. I mean I’m trying to reduce my meat consumption so veggie is probably easier for me anyway.
From religion to race, it sounds like you’re constantly becoming more comfortable within your yourself.
Definitely, I pride myself on the fact that I don’t take shit from anyone. I know confronting people isn’t easy. Worried about if you’re too aggressive or opinionated. But I wont be quiet to make other people comfortable, that’s not the type of person I am, even if it comes out blunt. If I find something that’s not right, I will say it straight up. Speaking your truth is easier said than done, but when you start it will become easier to continue. It will be harder for black women, if you’re transgender, Muslim and you wear a hijab, you’ll be discriminated against because of who you are. It’s the sad reality for a lot of people. After all Universities in the UK are racist institutions.
I remember when we were at Uni there was a lot of stories concerning prejudice and racism that came out, particularly aimed at women and people from the Asian and Black communities. From people chanting slurs outside of their room to writing offensive words across their walls.
Exactly, and when you look at people within higher position, the last study done showed that there were only a handful of black professors, even less were women and even less Asian people. I mean the people higher up are the ones who need to help solve these problems and ensure that these spaces are more inclusive, alongside speaking up when things aren’t right.
And hold those individuals responsible, with consequences! It’s hard going through University and life with people being prejudiced towards you without consequence. It can bring a girl down for sure.
Yep! I made a mistake of being so miserable that everyone could see. I physically couldn’t hide it. When usually I’m quite good at that.
Yeah me too, not sure that’s a good thing.
Right? It’s okay to be down, but you just have to pick yourself back up. Throughout time we have to learn how to make ourselves happy. We'll all feel a little lonely sometimes, but sometimes you have to be your own support system and take a diplomatic approach to your life.
.............................................
Comments